Hope in a Girl's Heart.

There is this dear friend to me. She has moved to Florida and I miss her. She, too, is a single mom. While I find the other mom's in my life to be awesome and I love them dearly, there is something to being able to just have a real, heart felt conversation from someone trudging through the same or similar things in life. To encourage each other along the path. To give advice. I love and appreciate her so. It was after a beautiful talk with her that perspective returned to my pretty little head. This is a small glimpse of my heart.

Dating as a single mom is nothing like dating as an independent woman. You have to evaluate everyone for not just the potential of your future, but your child's as well. Then there is the time juggling, not letting it interfere with your child... in fact keeping your child out of it to the best of your abilities. There are the insecurities of looking in the mirror and seeing the imperfections that mark your body in a victorious way that shows the power your body has to have brought forth the most amazing life.

I am still female. Plenty of insecurities. Plenty of hesitations. Living a lifestyle that was never intended to be lived. We are not suppose to raise our children alone.

I dream of... the day where I won't have to fight through life... the day when little things don't feel like battles... the day when I have a partner to get through life, to lean on, to hug me.

It is so hard sometimes to risk opening up your heart. Oh I want to! But to do so is opening up to vulnerability. To be vulnerable. So hard. When you have to be strong not just for yourself, but your child, then suddenly you have to let someone else in. You need to give up control. Place yourself in a position where you may get hurt again. Oh I want to!

There is so much hope in my heart for the tomorrows that will come. And while I may have to daily give up my insecurities and risk my emotions to get to know an awesome guy, it will be worth it. Of that I know and hold sure. I may need a little more grace than a single gal living life to the fullest on her own, but I'm so worth it.

My name is Abigail. I need a little grace, but I have a whole lot of Hope for what is to come.

Oh Christmas Tree.

The festive season is over and we are left with tired conifers with their branches hanging low. All the lights and decorations are tucked away and the rooms are back in their tidy order. Fragrant candles burned low. Quietly, we slip back into the mundane life blanketed in cold.

But still, the tired conifers with their branches hanging low sits. Tossed road side or hidden in the woods, forgotten. The joy that was shared around lit branches since forgotten. Years of growth towards perfections discarded and now useless. Or is it?

Nope. Life abounds! We spend money to bring a moment of joy and relaxation as we sit beside the glow, but does it end when we take it down? Waste not! Rather add greenery to your runs. Add entertainment and exercise for your two and four legged friends.

Keep in mind that not all pines are safe for animals, so look it up before you toss it in. None the less, the animals love them! The chickens jump up on them and play king of the tree. The kids jump over them and play chase around them. The birds and goats love to nibble on them as well. Both have used them as wind breaks on the chilly days. And for added enjoyment, their runs are spiced up with shades of green.

So before you... or your neighbor... or you friends/family... toss those trees out, give them the second chance to provide joy.

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The Homeacre Hop

What Homeschool Has Taught Me.

I was that C average kid. The one who always dreaded taking the report card home; hated watching everyone always getting those stupid honor student bumper stickers knowing, once again, it would not be placed on my desk. My older brother always had straight A's and took trig and calculus to try and get a challenge in school. My younger brother was diagnosed with dyslexia and with a learning plan set up for him started to achieve B's and A's.

I did well in elementary... where they did everything on the board with you, but as I moved on to middle school I started to falter. As my 10th grade year came around I was beyond discouraged. I felt I was stupid. I didn't want to go back to school. I begged my parents to homeschool and they consented. For the first time I excelled. I felt smart. There was no competition, no students to roll their eyes that I struggled on yet another stupid algebra problem, no bumper stickers. (Although I've found some great bumper stickers!)

Credit

In fact, my year at home was the best year of my schooling life. My mother worked at the local Salvation Army and I went with her almost every day. I would help there and within no time I could run the front desk/phones/computers, give tours, pack food boxes, handle loads of clothing donations, and help organize holiday givings. All while accomplishing a day or more of school work.... AND I actually understood my work!! In fact, homeschool worked so well, I was able to work a head and skip 11th grade and found a private school that placed me in 12th, allowing me to graduate a year early.

Fast forward a lot of years... yeah we don't need to count.... and now I have a son of my own. I didn't take me long to decided homeschool was his option. And boy am I grateful for that option! I have learned so much about myself through schooling him. The biggest thing being I'm not stupid or slow at learning, I just learn in a way that is not typical to the public school ways.

The joy of knowing he has a fair chance in life.

I need to see the problem done while the one teaching talks through the details. A mix of audible and visual. My son is the same way. The more focused I have been this year, the more I have seen this. Am I grateful that all those years ago my parents took the time to homeschool me! If it wouldn't have been for their sacrifice, my son would not have the privileged he has today. Knowing the struggles that I faced in school, I know my son would have fallen to the same fate. But, seeing how we both learn, I am able to work with him to insure the best chance for him academically. And in doing so, I have been able to lay rest all the doubts in myself. I see it as freedom for the both of us. And it feels good knowing my little love can and will be able to excel!

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The Modest Mom Blog

My Opinion on Racism and Entitlement.

At some point in time we all need to learn to let the past be the past. We need to learn to not let someone elses' hurts reflect our hurts. The color of our skin, the religion we choose, the indiscretions against us... these things should not dictate how we treat another. If we desire respect, we should show respect.

Growing up, my family was particularly close to two families... one was black and the other Hispanic. I am grateful that I had that growing up. For me, I don't see the color of ones skin. I see the person. I see the qualities and attitude a person present.

I am very much so blessed with some of the most amazing people in my life at this time. There are these amazing siblings. We play worship together in the best little barn band the world has ever seen and can also manage the most intense, competitive game of uno! They are some of the best single friends I have!!!

This pic makes me smile every time!

Like wise, this beautiful duo is also dear to me. They are my girl friends and my mom friends. We can let the kids run and play while we talk about life, God, parenting.

We are a very serious bunch!

I don't know what I would do with out them. ALL of them. Even the ones that I don't mention on here. Each person in my life is valuable to me. I don't tote around the fact that I have friends that are black, white and hispanic. It just so happens to be a fact. No, I hold pride in the fact I have been greatly blessed. I have people in my life that I can laugh with, cry with, pray with, not be completely embarrassed by blonde moments with, and be serious with.

To sit back and see the blessing my life has been by the people around me and to know the love I have for those I encounter in life, it greatly hurts me when I hear the news and read fb posts some people make- racial riots, being white is simply bad, all cops are evil, the government wants to destroy America, to be proud of the country you were born in is racist, the list goes on and on. It is all hate. Yes, there is an element of truth. Any stereotype has an element of truth, but it doesn't mean it is true for everyone. Yes, some cops abuse the power, BUT not all cops are evil.

Racism probably grieves me the most. Any one who calls themselves a christian, yet holds any level of racism... yeah. Colossians 3:11 In the new life there is no difference between Greeks and Jews, those who are circumcised and those who are not circumcised, or people who are foreigners, or Scythians. There is no difference between slaves and free people. But Christ is in all believers, and Christ is all that is important. This has become up there in my favorite verses. I wish we could see each other as equal. Give each other an equal chance in life. 

Entitlement. This one gets me too. I remember how hard my parents worked to make ends meet when I was young. We are not due anything on this earth. So many people hold a level of entitlement because we are taught if you want it then just get it. I am a single mom with a part time job. I could get food stamps and help with living expenses. I don't have any of that. This path of life was my choice and I believe I need to work hard to make ends meet for my son and myself. I have sold stuff online to make ends meet. I have taken a job that has me up and out the door before 5 in the morning so that I may be home a few hours later, before my son awakes (I live with my parents, he is never left home alone). Yes, I know some people have to get government help, BUT some use it as a crutch instead of trying to make it in life, instead of bettering themselves and their children. How many young people have crazy amounts of debt, yet run out to get the newest phone or gaming system? I have first generation American friends and I see the respect they have for their families, how hard they work in school/work. I greatly respect them for it and hope to instill similar values into my son. That he would know things are not free, they require work and perseverance and respect for others. 2 Thessalonians 3:10 is pretty straight forward- When we were with you, we gave you this rule: “Anyone who refuses to work should not eat.”

Earlier today I read this article about New York's Representative wanting to mix slave "reparations" into all the rioting chaos. I agree slavery wasn't the best time in American history, BUT let's get the facts correct. Blacks and whites both owned slaves.... black and white slaves/indentured servants. Why, the first slave owner was a black man named Anthony Johnson. By 1830 there were almost 4,000 black slave owners. Slavery was not a white on black racist issue. It was white on white, white on black, black on white, black on black. But our history books do not teach this. Slavery is not new to world via America. It goes back through the generations, through the centuries. 

All that said my opinion on Mister Anthony Johnson is this... his life is one to be used as a teaching tool. He came as an indentured servant, worked his years and became a free man. He didn't wait for things to just happen for him. He worked for it. He then went on to grow tobacco and have his own indentured servants. But, this is where he went wrong.... and history doesn't tell this side of the story... when one John Caser finished his time as an indentured servant for Anthony Johnson, Mr. Johnson would not let him go on his merry way. Through a series of events they ended up in front of the court where Caser was not consider a free man, but a slave permanently owned by Mr. Johnson. And so you have the first legal slave owner of a black slave is none other than Anthony Johnson.... a fellow black man. 

Don't believe me? Do a quick search on first black slave owner or look up Anthony Johnson. I believe it is important to know facts before we get all up in arms. But as I said before, it is important to give respect if you want respect in return. It is important to view each other as Americans... One people, one group, one nation. 

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Will Not Compromise.

How often do we accept standards that are lower than is desirable? I think for some of us, too often. I mentioned some of my struggles previously. But it is funny how some can make you question yourself for a moment.

I love me, the me I've become. It has taken a lot of years, heartbreak and being beaten down to realize who I am. To embrace who I am. To treasure who I am. It is not something I can easily give up, nor should I. But, it doesn't mean that I am always with out fault.

All too often, others like to say that I am out spoken, free spirited, independent. Yes, I am. It is part of what makes me me. But so many can't seem to see me as an individual. I never fit in with one crowd, I was always floating around, having friends in multiple crowds. Making friends has always been easy. Trying something new is enjoyable. I can do the same thing every day, or I can be spontaneous.

The other week I had a moment of disappointment with myself. After having yet another guy... who I wasn't even interested in... remind me that for a woman I am too outspoken, I became frustrated. Is a woman one who is to only be seen, but never heard? Can a woman not follow politics and form opinions for herself? Later, I got a joking text from a friend and I snapped with a really sassy comment. Oh, to take my words back. I did follow up with an apologize as soon as time aloud, but it doesn't erase the disappointment with myself... that out spoken side of me.

Oh to be stronger, that our tail feathers wouldn't be as easily ruffled. Reality has been kind enough to remind me that I am not as strong as I wish I was. Moments of weakness will happen. I just hope to improve my response to them. Yet, in the same breathe, I will not compromise who I am... have become... to appease those who can only see the average Joe and not embrace individuality. In the mean time, I will continue to work on softening the hard edges.

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Modest Monday

Lola and Her Boys.

Life has been wrapped up in a whirlwind lately. And mixed up in all that, I am excited to say, Lola had two little boys! Siren and Dapper. Everyone was out for the day and when we returned there were two little ones running around the pen... quite the unexpected surprise.

Day old kids.

Two days later we got to watch Joshephina give birth to her son and daughter. Yay for homeschool and the learning experiences Z get's to embrace. Z actually watched the delivery of both babies and though it was amazing.

A clean and conservative delivery pic!

When the boys were almost a week old we brought them home. Lola seems content being out and about with her busy duo. As for the boys they are super cute and great fun to watch. Dapper prefers to stay close to his mommy... and has the belly to prove it! While Siren runs and jumps off of everything.

Z has picked Siren as his very own. I've shown him videos on cart pulling, pack goats and training them to do tricks. He is very excited now to do something special with Siren, we just aren't sure what it will be yet.

Yep, this pretty much sums up Lola's personality.

The great explorers.

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Homestead Barn Hop

Can I Be A Plain Jane Today?

Don't get me wrong, I love my life. All the ups and downs... they make me who I am. But there are some days that I wish I could fade into the background, be like all the other gals out there.

I am a total people person. Like, I hate being alone for extended periods of time. The silence eats at me and then I tend to get lost in my thoughts. And those thoughts don't always take me down paths lined with wild flowers.

This week my parents happen to be away and my son has been spending time with his father and other grandmother. I have had a lot of quite time. Thinking time. It has left me pondering my life, the heartache I have known, the place I'm at, the loneliness I feel. I stand firm on the opinion that I would rather be alone then back in the relationship I was in or in another wrong one. But, that doesn't take away the longing for companionship, to share my tomorrows with someone, to have someone to hug when life is difficult.

Some of my friends call me Awesome Abigail. I know I have one of those personalities. You either love it or hate it... most love it. I can make friends with almost anyone and at some of the most random times. I love to enjoy life, joke around and find all the happiness in common things. But that doesn't always equate to a relationship well. If only being voted Miss Congeniality counted for something!

It can't be that bad you may say. I've had my heart tugged by a few men in my life. The first was when I was only 16. He was 19. It was all innocent. Then I meet his parents and sadly money talked. They told him I wasn't pastors wife material. Funny thing, I became a youth pastor before he finished college and have since moved on to help run a ministry. So they were right, I wasn't pastors wife material, I'm more of a hands on/get involved kinda gal. As of more resent in my life I've heard that I'm independent, free spirited, strong willed, and that if only we were back in college I would be date-able without hesitation.

Some days I wish I was just a stereotypical average gal. One with a simple personality, simple dreams. A Plain Jane. But that is not me. So while I have my moment back on memory lane, I know that I wouldn't change who I am. I will always be grateful for the friends I have, experiences I've lived, and dreams to see come true. I will one day be able to hold the hand of an amazing guy who can handle Awesome Abigail.