Don't get me wrong, I love my life. All the ups and downs... they make me who I am. But there are some days that I wish I could fade into the background, be like all the other gals out there.
I am a total people person. Like, I hate being alone for extended periods of time. The silence eats at me and then I tend to get lost in my thoughts. And those thoughts don't always take me down paths lined with wild flowers.
This week my parents happen to be away and my son has been spending time with his father and other grandmother. I have had a lot of quite time. Thinking time. It has left me pondering my life, the heartache I have known, the place I'm at, the loneliness I feel. I stand firm on the opinion that I would rather be alone then back in the relationship I was in or in another wrong one. But, that doesn't take away the longing for companionship, to share my tomorrows with someone, to have someone to hug when life is difficult.
Some of my friends call me Awesome Abigail. I know I have one of those personalities. You either love it or hate it... most love it. I can make friends with almost anyone and at some of the most random times. I love to enjoy life, joke around and find all the happiness in common things. But that doesn't always equate to a relationship well. If only being voted Miss Congeniality counted for something!
It can't be that bad you may say. I've had my heart tugged by a few men in my life. The first was when I was only 16. He was 19. It was all innocent. Then I meet his parents and sadly money talked. They told him I wasn't pastors wife material. Funny thing, I became a youth pastor before he finished college and have since moved on to help run a ministry. So they were right, I wasn't pastors wife material, I'm more of a hands on/get involved kinda gal. As of more resent in my life I've heard that I'm independent, free spirited, strong willed, and that if only we were back in college I would be date-able without hesitation.
Some days I wish I was just a stereotypical average gal. One with a simple personality, simple dreams. A Plain Jane. But that is not me. So while I have my moment back on memory lane, I know that I wouldn't change who I am. I will always be grateful for the friends I have, experiences I've lived, and dreams to see come true. I will one day be able to hold the hand of an amazing guy who can handle Awesome Abigail.