I have two fears that I can't seem to shake. The first is something happening to my son. The second is my son choosing to live with his father when he is older.
I don't speak of these fears often. There is nothing I can personally do to conquer either, so I pretend they are not an issue. As if they do not exist. Every weekend I watch him go with a smile on my face. I keep myself as busy as possible when he is gone, that way it's as if nothing is missing.
Easter was just this weekend. We decided to let him choose what he wanted to do for the holiday. He picked his father's family get together. I smiled and said you are going to have so much fun! But on the inside I was torn. He told me he couldn't wait to see what his father was going to buy him, the big egg hunt would be fun, and he would get so much money. Things. He was interested in things.
A part of my world crumbled. I felt rejected. Lonely. It is hard when you are the one teaching him, raising him, imparting the understanding of the word no, making sure he knows who God is. I don't have the extra money to buy him toys each weekend, take him out to eat regularly, get gaming systems/ipad/his own laptop. When he wants to use an electronic, when he is with me, than we share my eight year old laptop. That's just how it is. When a special event comes up on a weekend I have to beg and beg his father to take him. Usually he does end up going, but he doesn't know what happens behind the scene with my begging. I will not do it in front of him.
Sometimes it is simply hard. I want to be a fun parent too. I want him to think I'm great too. But I also so want a child that is well rounded. A child who knows he is loved by the way I raise him, not just by the things I give him. A child who is respectable. A child who doesn't think money grows on trees.
Oh my little love, I hope you know how much I love you.
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