Saturday, July 30, 2016

Be Still. Be At Peace…. Say WHAT?!

Ok fellow mothers out there, how good are we at just sitting and watching everyone else do it all? Mhmm. That’s what I thought. Not really good. At least not most of us. It is ingrained in us to go and do. Take care of our little ones… take care of our homes… take care of our men…  Sadly, sometimes even in that order when our men should be first. 

Now, imagine buying your first home that needs a little tlc and you are 7 months pregnant. Not a pretty sight, huh. You have dreams, you have vision, you have plans………… and then you start spotting………. with a few small contractions. Knowing you over did it, you call the midwife who tells you “you’re done”.  Period. End of story. Sit on your butt and look at this diamond in the rough of a home you just purchased.  Don’t lift a finger while your amazing husband, who works form 1:30 in the morning till 3:00 in the afternoon, tries his hardest to get the home in a some what livable condition. 

Thankfully, an amazing group of people came in on a Saturday and did a ton of work for us. Enough work that I was able to finally bring home the kitchen table and have a place for my family to sit and eat dinner together. It was a beautiful night. I may have had a tear in my eye. I was blown away by the generosity of this group. All I had to do was feed them. And, of course, watch. It was stressful. I wanted to help. I wanted to get it done faster so they could be with their families too. But  I couldn’t. Just watch.

That amazing man, that I promised my tomorrows to, has worked tirelessly… or maybe in a half asleep state… to lay beautiful laminate flooring in our living room and through the hallway to cover the horrid floors the house once boosted. He graciously took the spray bottles of essential oils and vinegar that I made to help defeat the breath taking, headache inducing smells left behind. And then would crawl out of bed at 1 in the morning to go to work and provide for our family.  And I watched.
As he completes each little step of making this diamond our home, I congratulate him. I cheer him on. I tell him it’s ok to take a break. I try and cook him the best meals I can. But still, I watch. The tugging in my heart and the battle with my inner self to just watch, is great. But it’s starting to wane.
I’m learning to be at peace. To not be the one in control, doing it all. Yes, I see lines I would have stroked differently, patterns I would have laid differently, things I would have cleaned differently, but I let it go. I tell myself that this isn’t my forever home. It is the first step in my life with my husband and son and soon to be daughter. It is our start. It isn’t perfect, it is a diamond in the rough.

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Joy Bubbling Forth.

Who would think a picture could make one so happy. But it does. A simple little picture of pinks and tans make this heart of mine reach it’s utmost of joyfulness.
When I was 15 years old I felt God said I would have a son named Zuriel and a daughter named Naomi Bliss.
I have my sweet, precious Zuriel. A strong name that means God my rock, in my darkest hours I would say his name but my heart heard “God my rock” and found the strength to carry on.
But, Naomi Bliss didn’t come. When I heard the name, I also heard “For she will be your delight and she will bring you joy”. I knew in my heart something hard would happen before my sweet Naomi would arrive. Of course, at the tender age of 15, I focused on the name and promise of my little girl and not on the thought of what lay ahead.
A month after I married my redneck, we found out we were expecting. In my heart I knew this was my Naomi Bliss. 15 years after the promise was made, I knew she was growing within. I knew that I had walked through an earthen hell and life couldn’t get worse.
Sure enough, at the ultra sound they announced that Baby was a girl. Baby finally has her name. Naomi Bliss. My delight and Joy. Z is ecstatic to be a big brother. Redneck cried as he watched her move about on the screen. My heart swelled with joy, excitement, and the remembrance of the promise from 15 years ago.
A faithful God. A loving God. And a hope I have held on to for half of my life. When I look at this picture, that I sent to my dearest of friends, joy bubbles from within. 

Saturday, May 21, 2016

Knowing Sorrow.

Sometimes the thought of how fast life has gone is overwhelming. A year ago I would have laughed at you if you said I would meet a man I love, be married, pregnant, buying a house. A year ago my heart was broken. It was trying to desperately mend.

I have known so much joy in the last six months. I've finally got that second chance in life... the one I hoped for. Prayed for. I've learned what it is to be loved and to love in return. I've married a man I look forward seeing in the morning and at the end of the day. I have an amazing son and a little one on the way. I am purchasing a home. A place to make my family comfortable. My own land to grow a garden to feed my family. Land to raise animals to add to the health my family will eat.

Yet sorrow abides. Finding out we were pregnant a month after we got married brought about joy and sorrow. My family felt we rushed. I was told my pregnancy was inconvenient. My joy was shadowed in hurt and sorrow.

I watched as my younger brother and his wife announced their expectancy. We were all joyful for them. My family showered them with gifts of baby items, maternity clothing and our excitement of the life within.

Where was my family within my joy? Taught that family comes first, I was alone with my husband, son and sorrow. We celebrate the coming life, I hide the sorrow that tries to rob the joy.

Innocent. Not even knowing of light. Yet, sorrow is known. The harsh reality of this world is not hidden from even the unborn life I carry. A life that should know nothing but of security and safety within the womb of love.

One day the sorrow will end. One day the joy will come in a glorious morning that will never allow sorrow in again.

Friday, February 26, 2016

Raging War. Undefeated Hope.

The howling wind dances in the trees surrounding life in a bitter defeat. Sunken into the ground sits a man. Head bowed. Frozen air wraps around his shoulders as if to claim the life in a death grip. To be defeated. But with just as much grace as the dancing wind, man lifts his face to the stars. It is there in that moment the clattering branches can no longer be heard. For in the crisp sky the man feels something stir from deep within. A hope. No matter the force that rattles against his body, it's attempt to plow over, the man can no longer feel the war raging. For hope can not be defeated.

The thoughts that circle in this pretty head of mine at 3 in the morning!