Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Will Not Compromise.

How often do we accept standards that are lower than is desirable? I think for some of us, too often. I mentioned some of my struggles previously. But it is funny how some can make you question yourself for a moment.

I love me, the me I've become. It has taken a lot of years, heartbreak and being beaten down to realize who I am. To embrace who I am. To treasure who I am. It is not something I can easily give up, nor should I. But, it doesn't mean that I am always with out fault.

All too often, others like to say that I am out spoken, free spirited, independent. Yes, I am. It is part of what makes me me. But so many can't seem to see me as an individual. I never fit in with one crowd, I was always floating around, having friends in multiple crowds. Making friends has always been easy. Trying something new is enjoyable. I can do the same thing every day, or I can be spontaneous.

The other week I had a moment of disappointment with myself. After having yet another guy... who I wasn't even interested in... remind me that for a woman I am too outspoken, I became frustrated. Is a woman one who is to only be seen, but never heard? Can a woman not follow politics and form opinions for herself? Later, I got a joking text from a friend and I snapped with a really sassy comment. Oh, to take my words back. I did follow up with an apologize as soon as time aloud, but it doesn't erase the disappointment with myself... that out spoken side of me.

Oh to be stronger, that our tail feathers wouldn't be as easily ruffled. Reality has been kind enough to remind me that I am not as strong as I wish I was. Moments of weakness will happen. I just hope to improve my response to them. Yet, in the same breathe, I will not compromise who I am... have become... to appease those who can only see the average Joe and not embrace individuality. In the mean time, I will continue to work on softening the hard edges.

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Modest Monday

Lola and Her Boys.

Life has been wrapped up in a whirlwind lately. And mixed up in all that, I am excited to say, Lola had two little boys! Siren and Dapper. Everyone was out for the day and when we returned there were two little ones running around the pen... quite the unexpected surprise.

Day old kids.
Two days later we got to watch Joshephina give birth to her son and daughter. Yay for homeschool and the learning experiences Z get's to embrace. Z actually watched the delivery of both babies and though it was amazing.
A clean and conservative delivery pic!

When the boys were almost a week old we brought them home. Lola seems content being out and about with her busy duo. As for the boys they are super cute and great fun to watch. Dapper prefers to stay close to his mommy... and has the belly to prove it! While Siren runs and jumps off of everything.

Z has picked Siren as his very own. I've shown him videos on cart pulling, pack goats and training them to do tricks. He is very excited now to do something special with Siren, we just aren't sure what it will be yet.
Yep, this pretty much sums up Lola's personality.
The great explorers.

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Homestead Barn Hop

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Can I Be A Plain Jane Today?

Don't get me wrong, I love my life. All the ups and downs... they make me who I am. But there are some days that I wish I could fade into the background, be like all the other gals out there.

I am a total people person. Like, I hate being alone for extended periods of time. The silence eats at me and then I tend to get lost in my thoughts. And those thoughts don't always take me down paths lined with wild flowers.

This week my parents happen to be away and my son has been spending time with his father and other grandmother. I have had a lot of quite time. Thinking time. It has left me pondering my life, the heartache I have known, the place I'm at, the loneliness I feel. I stand firm on the opinion that I would rather be alone then back in the relationship I was in or in another wrong one. But, that doesn't take away the longing for companionship, to share my tomorrows with someone, to have someone to hug when life is difficult.

Some of my friends call me Awesome Abigail. I know I have one of those personalities. You either love it or hate it... most love it. I can make friends with almost anyone and at some of the most random times. I love to enjoy life, joke around and find all the happiness in common things. But that doesn't always equate to a relationship well. If only being voted Miss Congeniality counted for something!

It can't be that bad you may say. I've had my heart tugged by a few men in my life. The first was when I was only 16. He was 19. It was all innocent. Then I meet his parents and sadly money talked. They told him I wasn't pastors wife material. Funny thing, I became a youth pastor before he finished college and have since moved on to help run a ministry. So they were right, I wasn't pastors wife material, I'm more of a hands on/get involved kinda gal. As of more resent in my life I've heard that I'm independent, free spirited, strong willed, and that if only we were back in college I would be date-able without hesitation.

Some days I wish I was just a stereotypical average gal. One with a simple personality, simple dreams. A Plain Jane. But that is not me. So while I have my moment back on memory lane, I know that I wouldn't change who I am. I will always be grateful for the friends I have, experiences I've lived, and dreams to see come true. I will one day be able to hold the hand of an amazing guy who can handle Awesome Abigail.