My life has been out of control for a few years now. But, those little things that are told to you over and over again in church always float through your head and keep you pushing through, hoping, praying you will make it to the other side of the ocean.
August of 2011 I hit the bottom. I was standing with out hope. I couldn't see light at the end of the tunnel. I was grabbing at anything in desperation. Trying to fix it and make it work. Along the journey I gave up my dreams, I gave up the things that gave me pleasure, I surrendered the things that God used to make me into the person He desired. I was a shell of the creation God intended.
It couldn't have been that bad some may say. Or perhaps I'm making this up. You may say that, but it is not so. I didn't realize how far gone I was until I stepped away and I started to come back to life again. And then those around me, some I see daily and some I see only a few times a year, commented on the bliss that returned with a bounce in my step.
Details of the downward spiral are not important. The end of the rope, though, it was a scary place. When I say I know what stress is, trust me I do. I literally felt my body shutting down. I could literally feel my body rejecting food that I ate, as if my stomach was tied in a hundred knots. I was bombarded with so many mental games I felt like I was going crazy. I became emotionless... with the exception when reality would hit me for a brief moment and I would cry from the heaviness of hopelessness. Sleep, ha, sleep eluded me. When I managed to find sleep it was restless fits of sleep that would leave me starring at the ceiling for hours a night. Trying to take care of my son, the one thing that still gave me joy, was all I could do. By the time night arrived my mind and body would shut down, exhausted and over worked trying to care for my little love. Medically talking, my digestive track was a wreck, my thyroid, kidneys and adrenal glands were not working right and my heart wasn't beating properly...my body was literally shutting down.
But I was stuck, I said I do. There was no way out, I have heard those teachings over and over again. I have mentally condemned people who threw in the towel and called it quits. I would never walk that path or I would certainly go straight to hell. But I couldn't go another step. I knew that if I stayed where I was I would surely be dead in ten years time. Yes, I'm being honest and not exaggerating!
I needed to get out. I need to get my baby out, I was watching my innocent son starting to suffer. He wasn't sleeping at night and he was getting on rulely... nearly uncontrollable. But how would I escape, could I ever be free. I spent over five years trying to do anything and everything I could to fix the situation. July 27, 2012 I sat outside on a gray clouded evening and cried. I was finished, there was nothing left to me. When people say they have hit rock bottom, yeah I was there... nothing left.
Prayed, once again, and begged God to tell me what to do, give me a sign. Please let me know it was okay to step away and get a chance to come up for air! And God came through for me, He gave me a sign. So the next day I packed my son, our dog and myself up and we moved back to my parents. That night we all slept straight through the night. When I awoke in the morning I felt free again.
Alive. But is that possible? Wasn't I out from under God's blessing? Over that next week I searched the scriptures, using Strong's concordance too, and the internet. I need answers. I need direction. I came across this little scripture that almost any christian can quote by heart:
Matthew 22:37,38 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment." Fighting daily to keep your sanity, your heart weighed down with the burdens of everything, it was impossible to keep you soul focused. I was completely and udderly failing at keeping the greatest commandment.
When I started to look at words the church has used to keep people in the bondage, I found that there is more to the words used then what our English translation lets on to. Things weren't as black and white as I was taught. God does not desire us to be in a place of torment, Jesus came to set us free. God does not condemn us, for in Him there is no condemnation. He gives us our dreams, our hopes, our desires. In Him there is hope, there is life, there is joy. There is healing.
I have been given great clarity, I know I am walking on the path God has laid out for me. Though man would disagree, and has, I know I am doing the right thing. My son and I are healthy again. My son is obedient and happy and sleeps straight through the night again. I sleep. I have lost 21 lbs to date....with out exercising! I feel alive, I have such joy that it is over flowing into bliss again. Thanks to my brother and his fiance and a friend I am getting out and living life again. I am dreaming again and I have great hope for my future. I know who I am and who I was created to worship, in Him I'm safe again.
I may be a young 26, but I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death and I have seen the joy that comes in the morning. I may not have a job or a car or a home of my own... I may be living with my parents, sharing a room with my son... it doesn't matter. I can breath, I can dance again. Oh, how I missed dancing! And my parents! They have been so strong. If God did not bless me with the parents that I have I would not be in this place of healing and freedom and life that I am in now.
Do not give up hope. Seek after God, get His direction. Walk in grace and mercy, but be obedient to His desires. In our moment of hopelessness, there is a God who cares and He will show us a place to restore our hope again. There is always someone somewhere that can give sound advice, God will direct your path if you let Him.
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